I've long held that books are one of the most extraordinary creations we've ever had. A single book can have ideas of such staggering impact that it can change your life. Imagine that, a collection of paper and ink with the ability to change us so profoundly.

Below are the list of books I've read in 2008, along with a list of the ones I would recommend reading.

Must Read:
The Kushiel's Legacy Trilogy
    Kushiel's Mercy
A Guide to Getting It On
The Two-Income Trap
Overdosed America: The Broken Promise of American Medicine
Dreams From My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance

Read If You Like Sci-Fi/Fantasy:
The Dark Jewels Trilogy
The Lord of The Rings
The Wise Man's Fear
Hyperion
Startide Rising
A Fire Upon the Deep
A Song of Ice and Fire series
The Tales of Beetle the Bard

Read If You Like Science
The Feynmen Lectures on Physics (the famous Red Books)
Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman

Read If You Like History
Revolt In The Desert
Caesar

Fluff Reading
Not recommended unless you're truly bored
The Lost Fleet series
The Heritage Trilogy, and the subsequent Legacy Trilogy
The Twilight series
The Study Trilogy (Poison Study, Magic Study, Fire Study)
Brisingr
The Third Lynx
The Temeraire Series
Stumbling on Happiness


Professional Books
Expert SQL Server 2005
Joe Celko's SQL for Smarties
Professional SQL Server 2005 Database Design

Spring is coming. I can feel it in my bones, can smell it in the air, can see it by the cherry blossoms in the trees. The days are warmer, the nights shorter. Everything I see is coming to life again, as flowers and trees strain from their earthy cocoons and reach for the skies.

Thinking back over this past winter, I see many analogies. The grim mind set I slipped into over fall and winter, as every effort I made seemed to either backfire,  do nothing, or do almost nothing. My attempts at vacations and breaks, which seemed almost to be less fulfilling than staying at home, reading. The bleak, bitter, cold outlook I had on life over New Years', as I stumbled home and tried to cover my wounds and weaknesses.
    The new year brought many changes. Wisdom, in the form of learning from painful experiences. A promotion at work, making it that much easier to take care of Dad & Sheila. Acceptance, after looking in the mirror and realizing just how far I can be driven to love and anger, compassion and ruthlessness. Love, with Kate, with a depth so profound that I was sure it was only found in novels and poetry. Joy, with the sheer whimsy and delight that reminds me what it was like to be a child and carefree.

Spring is coming. We are a little older, a little wiser, a little more worn down. Life around us is coming to fruition again, a cycle as ageless as the tides.

It's time to begin again.

Date:	2008-03-04 00:24
Subject:	Mare Eterna, Fuoco Eterna
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Paul Oakenfold - Live In New York

Sea and fire, wave and flame.

Some of my most vivid memories of the past few days are of minor events.
     I lit a tea candle at home, and watched the flame dance and waver for so long that I went to sleep with its bright shadow etched in my eyes.
     I went out for coffee during work, and as soon as I left the building, I was struck speechless by the light mist falling, and the overwhelming smell of the sea. The smell of crashing waves and brine.
     I curled up in bed, falling asleep, and vivid, poignant images of Kate come to mind. The other thing that comes to mind is the irrational desire to sleep in fresh mountain air, crisp and alive.

Most of all, old ideas are resurfacing again. The eternal nature of the sea. The brilliance and unpredictability of flame. The inexplicable idea that I'm a pillar of rock, aged and pitted, wearing away as slowly as the hills. Love so transcendant that it seems almost blessed, almost unreal; this time, I am not the observer, but the bearer. The pain of loss, of separation, and my instinct to transform pain into bitter wisdom. Friendship so strong that time and distance lose some of their meaning. The subtle, incalculable importance of small gestures.

This happens once in a while. Eventually I have learned and changed so much that something shifts, and I start to remember exactly who I used to be. I end up adopting all of my new ideas and experiences, and ground myself again. The main lesson? You cannot escape your own nature. Learn to live with it, and to grow and live with grace. If you do, more often than not you'll find unexpected beauty. Even if you do not, your sadness becomes easier to bear. 

Date:	2008-02-25 20:16
Subject:	Sanity and Going Mad
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Moulin Rouge - Ascension

What are your deepest, darkest fears? What for you are the shining opposites, those bright dreams that make you feel content and joyful?

Mine have to do with love and fear, sorrow and joy, guilt and redemption. The idea that a person, even one bent and worn by sorrow, can find love transcendant. That we can all find serenity so profound our fears no longer mean anything.
    The past two weeks have been incredibly changing for me. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. A huge part of me is changing, and I'm not quite sure how. 
     At the most basic level, I have been sick with a sore throat, fever, cough, and what the ER docs call The Crud. I should have felt miserable, and did at times, but in a lot of ways it was a good chance to push myself in new ways. For example, it's rare that I bow my pride enough to let people take care of me. It's also rare that I see a high fever as a chance to read poetry while dizzy.
     At the emotional level, it's a very new experience, to fall in love over and over with the same person. It's even more rare for me to want to; I've always held back before, trying to present the best parts of myself, rather than all of my idle thoughts and worries. Perhaps that was foolish, before. It's also rare to be able to turn all those worries into confidence and joy with just a little twist.
    Spiritually? That is not for me to say here. Very, very few people know my true beliefs, and I'm not about to announce them here. I will only say, that if a huge part of your fears and dreams change, then the beliefs you've woven around your heart will change as well.


Now? I feel myself, and yet different. Leaner. Cleaner. Lithe and fierce, as if some part of me has burned away. Far less rushed in life. It's easier to slow down a little, and enjoy the sun as I walk to work. I wonder if we slow down a little when we're feeling fulfilled in life? That burning rush to find something meaningful is soothed, and replaced, by a desire to enjoy what we have found?

The most beautiful dreams are the ones that burst to life unlooked for, a herald of light and flame. I am beginning to understand such a dream, one so poignant and personal I am not sure why I ever lived out it.
    I know why, actually. Opening yourself to emotions this intense makes you very vulnerable. You can be hurt far deeper than before. Some of us don't take that risk. I'm still very nervous about it myself. Having been hurt badly before, it seems far safer behind my walls and my mask. Less painful.
    You know that old phrase, It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ? In this context, it does not refer to love, but bravery. The willingness to make yourself vulnerable, to shed the armor around your heart, to dare to dream as fiercely as you once did, without worrying all the time about what could happen.



( Sonnet LXXIX )

What do you see, my love?
     I see stars. Oceans and worlds of beauty in even the smallest thing.

Do you ever have the feeling that the way you see the world is just a little bit different from everyone else you've met? That the images that come to mind with an idea, and the patterns from those images, are unseen by most people?

( A few examples )

( Web references )

Date:	2007-12-12 21:00
Subject:	"How do I fall in love again?" by Peter Ragnar
Security:	Public
Mood:	touched
Music:	Dream Theater - As I Am

This note I came across (thanks Kristen!) is so wonderfully poignant, I had to post it.

Someone once joked that a relationship is like a bath. Once you
get in it, it’s not so hot anymore. However, the secret to falling
in love again is in once more recreating the same conditions that
allowed the magic of first love to flower. Finding again that
mysterious vibration that carries you out from the world of
calculations and obligations into the lover’s world of dreams and
intoxicating visions of blissfulness.

Do you remember that first kiss that was like a sip of addictive
enchantment? Your every waking moment trembled and filled you to
the brim with an indescribable ecstasy. If you’re still living
with that special someone and the years seem to have stolen the
magic away, then the words of Kahlil Gibran will have special
meaning for you.

“My friend, be not like him who sits by his fireside and watches
the fire go out then blows vainly upon the dead ashes. Do not give
up hope or yield to despair because of that which is passed, for to
bewail the irretrievable is the worst of human frailties.” Yes if
the fire is cold and dead, go on with your life. New life can be
found if you haven’t been too scarred up by the past. But if you
find the embers still aglow, please feed the fire for the sake of
love.

Do you remember how after the taste of first love the hours passed
as if waking from a blissful dream? Suddenly you discover a
devouring flame in your heart that burns the present to reveal
ancient memories of someone you swear that you knew before.

It isn’t so much falling as if it were an accident, but a sudden
sprouting of love, a seed residing within that was suddenly watered
and warmed with a special smile.

The secret all lovers reveal in embrace and forget as the time
erodes specialness into familiarity is this: To fall in love with
another we must first forget ourselves.
It is the ego with its iron wall of beliefs, opinions and judgments
that hides and guards the heart. All lovers at least at first risk
their hearts. The human heart, much like an unguarded flower, can
be easily crushed. It takes an ultimate leap of courage to fall in
love, for now you’re fully exposed.

We live in a world awash in moral cowardice. The world with its
laws of convention and false morality shuns the perceived
“weakness” of the lover. Instead it chooses to wall off human
hearts in favor of war and division. But love always wins in the
end. Love is a supreme light which before no darkness can stand.
But love will demand of you a greater strength than all the passion
that hate engenders. In the end Virgil was right when he wrote,
“Love conquers all.”

Why is that? Because love teaches us to believe the impossible.
But love must be consciously nurtured every day, or just like the
most beautiful rose it will die without moisture. Love often dies
in a relationship well before any noticeable or visible rapture can
appear. Knowing this and fearing this the poet wrote: “I would
ask of you, my darling, a question soft and low, that gives me many
a heartache as the moments come and go.

Your love I know is truthful, but the truest love grows cold; it is
this that I would ask you: Will you love me when I’m old?”

You’ll only be able to answer in the affirmative if you have first
fallen in love with yourself. This is the sweet soul you can only
meet in silence. No other thoughts or ideas can attend such a
meeting. There, when you are no longer a stranger to yourself can
you have the ability to enter another’s heart. This is the love
that cannot grow cold and will love even if you grow old. That’s
falling in love again for the first time.

Much Love and Success,
Peter

Date:	2007-12-11 19:57
Subject:	All that lives
Security:	Public
Mood:	bloody freezing
Music:	Soundgarden - Spoonman

There is something magical about poetry, about classical music, about sculpture. Something about this collection of ink, of notes, of stone, can stir emotions that I didn't even know I had. For a brief moment, I become that sonnet, reflection, and symphony.
   Hmmm, this brings to mind some of Thatha's old teachings when I was a boy, that one state of meditation is where you lose your sense of self. In a lot of ways it seems that I'm still learning the truth in the stories he told me as a boy.


I'm writing some poems into my journal, and I found this to share, by Pablo Neruda:

If your eyes were not the color of the moon,
of a day full of clay, and work, and fire,
if even held-in you did not move in agile grace like the air,
if you were not an amber week,

not the yellow moment
when autumn climbs up through the vines;
if you were not the bread the fragrant moon
kneads, sprinkling its flour across the sky,

oh, my dearest, I could not love you so!
But when I hold you I hold everything that is--
sand, time, the tree of the rain

everything is alive so that I can be alive:
without moving I can see it all:
in your life I see everything that lives.

"...to judge by the content of their character"

One of my core ideas is that each of us should strive to improve ourselves, to be improve ourselves. However, I have not met anyone who was able to change themself overnight. It takes time, if for no other reason than habits are hard to develop, and even harder to develop.
    Time, then, is needed to see how we have progressed


- Still living quite simply. It is very peaceful, and I end up giving away so much of my salary I can't afford much else anyways.
- Bought a house. Not for the prestige or status, but because once it is paid off I can probably retire.
- Still taking care of Dad, and Sheila.
- Took care of Mom for a few months. Managed to get her hernia taken care of as well, before she went off to India
- Found out how ruthless I can be when pushed. It's disquieting.
- I'm now helping 3, and soon 5, friends pay for college. I will not say who, for my privacy and theirs. It seems a fitting thing to do.
- I'm not as healthy as I was a year ago. Too much work, not enough sleep. Barely enough time to take care of myself. That's my big thing to work on this coming year.
- My love life is my own, and not to be mentioned here.
- I've been promoted 2, possibly 3 times. I love the new challenges, but it's a lot of stress, to keep going at this pace.
- My sense of self has gone from manic/passionate (high school) to passionate/cynical (college) to bitter/cynical (2 years ago) to bitter/mourning (last year) to bemused/despairing (this year). I'm starting to see a pattern in how my emotions and mind react and change through experience.
- While parts of my life (love, friends, family, hobbies) are fairly straightforward, work is now so complex that I'm starting to see beauty only in simple things.
- I'm starting to become torn between wanting to understand everything, and only to be left in peace.
- The family of my heart has grown larger.
- It has become a little easier for me to be myself. I don't need to project a part of myself to hide the rest. I can be myself, and be comfortable showing those quirks and foibles to others.
- The limits of how clever I can be are not yet apparent.


What about yourself must be true? What traits, quirks, talents, and ideas are absolutely critical to who you are?
Have they changed this past year? Are any of them new?
What have you done, to be true to how you see yourself?

For example, I see myself, fundamentally, as a good person. Therefore the sum of my actions and inactions should have brought about more love and wisdom in the world than despair or ignorance. More humor than sadness. More joy than sorrow.

I'm trying to figure out if I should go for my Master's degree in Computer Science. I don't really want the title, but I do want to take some of the advanced distributed-systems-and-databases classes, and do some research in that field.
    It would be 2-2.5 years of evening classes. My job would pay for it.

I guess I'm wondering whether I want to commit to long evenings and more homework for that long. I finally have some breathing space...do I really want to give that up? Push myself to the point of burnout, again?

On the other hand, it seems I'm not really happy with life except when I'm learning something ridiculously tough. It's the timing that's tricky.

Here's a clever idea. With more and more people being consumed by the lust for power, the lust for money...the most dangerous thing to them are people who reject their terms entirely.
     After all, arguing or fighting over someone else's idea means they set the terms. Reducing them to irrelevance is much more effective, and a more subtle way of winning.


Everything you imagine is real. - Picasso

Think of what your imagination can encompass. How you behave with your friends. Who you are inside. How you think. The relationships  with those you love. What you build. What you cook. Your ideals and beliefs.
     It is a wonderful irony, that by thinking the world a blank canvas, I see more beauty in it. By thinking myself a painter, I see more that I have been drawn. By singing music, I hear more of other songs. By creating something, I understand more of what is already here.

I am the water and the hand that pours. - Rumi.

...there is a ridiculously profound idea just beyond my reach, tonight. Something for another time. Something to ask someone about.

The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Ironic, that a story about an anarchist being a hero has so many parallels to our own situation...that of a dystopian society, living in relative fear and mistrust under tyranny.


When do we draw the line, and say, No More?
When does another injustice or crime in our names become too much to bear?
What are we willing to risk for our beliefs? Our homes? Our possessions? Our time? Our lives?
How jaded am I? How jaded are you?

Now this is true love.

Impressions from today

• "It's too early to wake up, it's only 6:30"
• "Oh SHIT, it's 7:30!"
• Bike bike bike bike bike bike race skid bike skid ow pain bike
• Conduct technical interview. Try to catch breath. See how much it takes to turn a confident developer applicant into a quivering, twitching pile of apprehensive goo. Hmmm...harder than I thought.
• Get yet closer to finishing up my fact-data-subscription upgrades. And by closer, I mean testing the living hell out of it.
• Lunch. Yay spicy teriyaki. If only they gave me less of it.
• Interview debriefs. Do we have two new hires for the team? (Holy shit...does this make me senior now?)
• Yet more tests. This time finishing up my unit tests for my bulk copy utilities.
• Get coffee. Why must I flirt with the cute Starbucks girl when I shouldn't?
• Go over fact data profiling for how slow our stuff is.
• Puzzle over a multithreading utility that uses graph theory to choose its threads. Yay for digraphs.
• Bike home. It was cloudy, but only a bit damp when I got to the Safeway by my house.
• Get groceries. Let's try bagels for breakfast this week.
• Walk outside. Holy f*ck, rain drops aren't supposed to be that big.
• Bike the 3/4 mile home. In that short span of time, get completely soaked. I've been dryer after going swimming.
• Packages are here! Free Hugs shirts, books for Julie, BookMooches, XNA programming, and....
• Battlestar Galatica Season 3 soundtrack. More about this later.
• Talk to Dad about Sheila's finances, and what she's spending $850 a month on, plus tuition/books.
• Make dinner. My blood truly does run curry...who knew?
• Check over some www.pnwya.org work that I did yesterday. Most of it is in place, still some things to do on my side before Sunday.
• Start listening to the BSG soundtrack. It sounds like thunder! Musical, harmonic, gorgeous thunder.
• Crank up the speakers. Listen again. I think I'm falling in love with these songs.
• Call Julie. Leave a message.
• Call Shari. Weird...dead phone? Not even a voicemail prompt.
• Figuring out how to implement graph theory into SQL (which is based on set theory)
• Figuring out how to implement checkers into SQL.
• Figuring out how to implement a declarative formatting framework into SQL. You tell it the expected format of input, and it does the parsing for you into the appropriate tables.

Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in with? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Serenity (Firefly) You like to live your own way and don't enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you. Serenity (Firefly) 94% Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 81% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 75% Moya (Farscape) 69% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 69% SG-1 (Stargate) 69% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 63% Heart of Gold (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) 56% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 56% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 56% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 56% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 44% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 25%

"Close your eyes, Dev. What do you see?"
I see joy, my love. I see laughter and love and grace.

Memories and thoughts flicker through my mind too fast to fully grasp...
     Vespertilio. Molossus. The Prelude to War. Killik Twilight. Rain-swept skies, slate-grey and ominous. My dad, easygoing and peaceful.
     Green eyes, almost light enough to be hazel. Malt-brown hair, a lion's mane. Infathomable courage. 
   Dancing in the car to White and Nerdy. Singing that I will follow you into the dark. Dust motes in a shaft of sunlight. Memories of chess games. Meditating to remember grace.  My many old friends, growing up with me now. My new friends, their beautiful faces sparkling and glowing. Silent Football jokes. Banter and flirting and stories. Birthday gifts for one who could not be there.
       Waking up alone, gasping for water and dizzy from nightmares. Waking up curled up with someone, content and dark.
       A firepit and the night sky, as my family of friends sing to each other. The bright shadows cast by the Milky Way and the moon. Floating in Devil's Lake as the stars float above, as if they were floating on liquid and not I. Floating to sleep in a bay in Tampa, with my twin nearby, the sun on my face and the clouds shining as though radiant with song.

Thinking about what to write in the Book of Dev: mathematics, programming, observations on nature, on human nature, society, religion, science, philosophy, physicality, cooking, friendship, love, people I know, tactics, strategy, organizational structure, engineering, art, music, imagination, on being alive.

I'm starting to even breathe and think SQL. Here's a rundown of some of the things I'm doing with it outside of work:

• Use a variation of graphs-and-sets theory to solve all potential Checkers games. I input the game as it stands, it tells me exactly what to do to win as the game progresses.
• Come up with a data warehouse for contact information, friends, their interests, birthdays, books, movies, you name it. Use it to suggest birthday presents for friends, remind me of upcoming events, even figure who knows who...and from that, who should be introduced to one another.
• Solve differential equations. In this first example, 15 different inputs of statistics and how they correlate to housing prices over the last 20 years or so. I'll be matching it with the actual trends to see how to modify the specs over time.
• Email and contact statistics. Automatically remind me to keep in touch with people over time.

The irony is that a lot of this involves challenges that don't necessarily have anything to do with databases. That's just where I'm running it because it keeps my skills sharp. Plus, when you're best at using a hammer, everything looks like a nail. D'oh.

...a grey and gloom, like dusk and doom.

The days are getting shorter. The nights, colder. The skies are the color of smoke and dun, washing the color from the world. It seems the only color left is in the trees and the grass, a green so dark is almost black. Like shadows of a forest long gone.

It is bittersweet, the seasons turning. This year especially. This summer went by in a haze, like a dream. Most often, it was wonderfully sunny, with friends coming over and trips every week or two. I have dozens, if not hundreds, of wonderful memories from the various un-Cons, birthday parties, conferences, and random friends visiting.

On those days when I was not spending time with loved ones, I went exploring. It has been wonderful, to clear your mind and just move, all your attention being on your heartbeat, your breathing, the colors and textures going by. Running, swimming, canoeing, biking, even dancing.

Now...it is all changing. I wonder if this is true for all of us, that our moods and hearts change with where we are. For me, an old instinct comes to the surface, to hibernate and dream until the days grow long again. When life becomes cold and dreary, I entertain visions of curling up with someone and foregoing my cares until the sun shines brightly again. Many animals do just that, or else migrate to warmer climes and brighter skies.

I'm not much for migrating, but hibernating is a compelling idea.

We reap what we sow. If we are wise, or just lucky, what we sow bears fruit for years to come.

Julie has been here since Friday. By here, I mean Seattle, but she was staying at my place. It's nice, having a place that becomes the de-facto crash pad for friends coming to Seattle.

Still...these few evenings stand out in my mind, for so many reasons. I've not laughed that hard with someone else for a long time. Usually my sense of humor is seen as madcap or oddball; very few understand the whole of it. Julie does; we were both clutching our sides from telling jokes and letting our imaginations run rampant.
   Just as easily, we can speak of secrets and fears, our darkest fears and most ardent dreams. One of the things that struck me was the sheer number of things we have in common, at different levels.

I wonder if I can play this wonderful game for weeks and months, if I have that devastating patience. Time is an incredibly strong ally in many things, if you have the subtlety and skill to play it properly.

Enough of this. I have letters to write, dreams to dream, and miles to go before I sleep....

"The culture of busyness is a culture of oppression." - Petra Aldrich, GA 2007

"There is one truth I have found throughout my years; there is never enough time." - V.S. Krishnan, after hearing about my average day

"Do you ever wish you had the grace to handle all of life's burdens?" - Dev Nambi
"If I had that grace, they wouldn't be burdens." - Deepa Vasudevan

"Snap! Crackle! Pain!" - Dev Nambi, OPUS 2007

"...I love you as certain dark things are to be loved
secretly, between the shadow and the soul..." - Pablo Neruda, Sonnets

"While God waits for his temple
  to be built of love
   men bring stones." - Rabindranath Tagore

"There is no cause in which I am prepared to kill." - Mahatma Gandhi

"Truth crushed to earth will rise again." - William Cullet Bryant

"Stony the road we trod,
Bitter the chastening rod
Felt in the days
When hope unborn had died.

Yet with a steady beat,
Have not our weary feet
Come to the place
For which our fathers sighed?

We have come over the way
That with tears hath been watered.
We have come treading our paths
Through the blood of the slaughtered,

Out from the gloomy past,
Till now we stand at last
Where the bright gleam
Of our bright star is cast." - James Weldon Johnson